I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General

I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral,
I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;

I’m very well acquainted, too with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I’m teeming with a lot o’ news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hy-pot-e-pot-e-nuse.

I’m very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.

I know our mythic history, King Arthur’s and Sir Caradoc’s;
I answer hard acrostics, I’ve a pretty taste for paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;

I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from The Frogs of Aristophanes!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I’ve heard the music’s din afore,
And whistle all the airs from the infernal nonsense Pinafore.

And whistle all the airs from the infernal nonsense Pinafore.
And whistle all the airs from the infernal nonsense Pinafore.
And whistle all the airs from the infernal nonsense Pin-a-pin-a-fore.

Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you ev’ry detail of Caractacus’s uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.

In fact, when I know what is meant by “mamelon” and “ravelin”,
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I’m more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by “commissariat”,

When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery.
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery –
In short, when I’ve a smattering of elemental strategy –
You’ll say a better Major-Gineral has never sat a gee.

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You’ll say a better Major-Gineral has never sat a gee,
You’ll say a better Major-Gineral has never sat a gee,
You’ll say a better Major-Gineral has never sat a, sat a gee.

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For my military knowledge, though I’m plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.

But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.

*Gilbert wrote “Gineral”, which rhymes with mineral.